Are your reasons for wanting a divorce “good enough”?

This is a question that I have coaching clients asking me, and I usually laugh, because it’s a question I have asked myself many times.

…I’m unhappy, but I can’t decide if I have a good enough reason to get divorced.

When I began struggling with my marriage, the word “divorce” was never even a thought. I had tried communicating with my partner, and I’m a pretty good talker so we were communicating A LOT. I had tried marriage counseling. Not once, or twice, but three separate times and with 3 separate counselors.

The truth is that by the time the word “divorce” actually came into my vocabulary, I had become pretty certain that there was no alternative. I am a child of divorce myself, and it shaped my childhood significantly, so it’s not a word that I ever took lightly or threw out as an option.

I struggled with the idea. In fact, I struggled so much that even after I thought it was the only answer, it still took me another three years to say it to my husband. I discussed it with close friends and even a few family members to get a feel for their thoughts.

But something significant would happen when I would do this. It’s significant because it drastically changed my actions and my self-esteem in a negative way. Whenever I would tell someone in my life that I was thinking of getting a divorce, their response was always the same word. It wasn’t, “I’m so sorry to hear that.” It wasn’t, “I’m here to support you through this process.” It wasn’t even, “wow.” It was always, “Why?”

Anyone in your close inner circle, the people whose opinions you care so much about that they get access to your thoughts and fears before anyone else, wants to know the reasons why. When someone asks you why you’re thinking of getting a divorce, a lot of implications can come up in place of that word. “Why are you giving up?” “What did he do that warranted this step?” “What is still salvageable about the relationship?”

There’s a difference between the relationship that a friend knows will end and the relationship they can’t imagine ending. If a friend says they’re getting divorced and their husband is a womanizer, an abuser, an alcoholic, etc., people typically don’t ask why. They might think, or even say, “Good for you, it’s about time!” When relationships seem healthy on the outside, and someone realizes they’re not, there’s a need for people to understand with some sort of an explanation that will help THEM comprehend what went wrong.

The problem is to the person who has made this decision, the question feels judgmental. In essence, someone is asking, “Do you really have a good enough reason to get a divorce?”

I remember when I first told my oldest childhood friend that I was so miserably unhappy in my marriage that I was considering a divorce. She was also married at the time, and her marriage was very verbally and physically abusive. The two of them were extremely volatile with each other. My husband and I were not like that at all. We never fought. We rarely argued. There were no affairs. There was no substance abuse or major financial problems. I know I probably have all of you asking the same question that my best friend asked me. “What is so awful about your marriage that you’re willing to break up your family?” In fact, she even made a point to remind me that he was not abusive or a drinker or a cheater, as though he needed to be one of those things in order for this decision to make sense to her. One of the reasons that I think it took me so long to finally make the choice was because of the people in my life who repeatedly tried to understand my reasons.

So just to fill you all in, the reasons I wanted a divorce could fill about 500 pages, but they can also be summarized in three simple words; I wasn’t happy. There’s not much need to expand on that in this forum, even though I did so multiple times with my close friends and loved ones. I have to admit that there were times when I felt myself trying to validate my feelings to others, when I questioned myself and whether I was being too high maintenance for wanting happiness in my relationship, and when I was trying to justify my own worthiness for wanting something better. I would repeatedly ask myself, “What is wrong with you? What more do you want? Are you even deserving of what you want? Why can’t you just be happy with what you have?”

The damage that kind of thinking did to my self-esteem would take years to overcome in therapy. The bottom line is the reasons don’t need to be good enough for anyone else’s judgment, not your friends’, not your family’s, not your children’s, and not society’s. The reasons why you choose to divorce someone are as personal, unique, and individualized as the reasons you choose to marry someone. There is no court, legal or of public opinion, that can rule your reasons to seek happiness in life as invalid.

It doesn’t matter if it appears selfish or cruel. What’s cruel are people who waste the time and energy of others in relationships they don’t really want to be in or work at. What’s cruel is modeling unhealthy relationships to the impressionable children who are paying attention. What’s cruel are those monsters out there who kill their spouses because they want to start a new life and don’t know any other way out. Yes, I know that’s an extreme case that only applies to psychopaths, but when I see these horrific news cases about men who murder to get out of a marriage, all I can think about is that question that doesn’t need to apply to someone considering a divorce…”Why?”

If you know someone who is struggling in their marriage, maybe you can rethink the “why” question when they share their struggles with you. It may come from a place of concern, or even downright nosiness, but it can be perceived as a judgment by your loved one.

If you are a person who is considering divorce, please know that your why only matters to YOU. If you’re still figuring out your why, consider talking to a Certified Relationship / Divorce Recovery Coach who can help you process through the thoughts and feelings in your head that are keeping you stuck in unhappiness and stagnancy.

If you’ve already begun the process of a divorce, you may benefit from an intensive 90-Day Guided Program to finding your Path to Peace. 

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Laurie Soldinger is a Certified Professional Life Coach and a Certified Divorce Recovery Coach. She founded Morphosis Mentor LLC, based in Orlando, Florida, with the purpose of teaching women how to discover self-love and to feel confident in their life choices. Laurie is an author, a speaker, an essential oiler and an avid lover of all things fattening. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram.